Top 10 Daily Things that Wear me Out in Champaign

Here is my list please feel free to contribute your own. Keep in mind, here I am only talking about the things that annoy me in my everyday routine, not national/international/historical events. (there is another post coming for those as well). So here are my top 10 in the descending order of annoyance.

1. The weather in the Midwest. I have been living in Champaign for almost 6 years now and every year at the end of winter my body comes to the precipice of a complete shutdown. The Siberian temperatures, which here last from late November to late March, coupled with the wind chill of -30 and windgusts that are strong enough to harm your ability to ever have children, wreak havoc on your body and your daily routine. As a defense mechanism, your body recoils every time you go outside, so you are forced to hibernate in your home eating fast food take outs and pizzas. So inevitably I put on at lest 10 additional pounds every winter as I also stop going to the gym. Just when you thought it is over in March, or even early April, another cold front comes in reminding you how shitty you have it.

2. Loud motorcycles. As the winter finally lets up in Champaign, it becomes absolutely gorgeous: the colors, the smell, the soft breeze, and of course, sorority girls' change of attire (hence, the Quad becomes my favorite place to hang). But, and here is the big but, early spring is also the time when all those frustrated, mostly overweight, poorly endowed individuals with motorcycles with exhausts so loud that you can hear them no matter where you are at a time come out blaring across the city. This is particularly annoying if you are enjoying the weather on the patio of my favorite pub Blind Pig and these idiots circle through the same streets over and over, in hope that the big bad machine they are on, and the obnoxious noise can ever compensate for either a) the fact that their obesity has prevented from seeing their penis except an ocassional glance in a mirror; or b) the fact that all those pills, contraptions, and internet programs to enhance the size of their manhood have failed. Just a note: I have no problem with motorcycles and several very good friends of mine have them. But these are normal exhausts producing very normal levels of noise.

3. Cyclists who do not obey traffic rules. As a caveat, I have a great admiration for everyone who rides a bike on a daily basis. I support even a tax hike on all of us in order for the city to be able to pay for additional bike lanes and I am more than happy to see many streets shut down to cars. But, if you are on a bicycle, you are under the same traffic rules as I am in my car. Otherwise, I will hit you with my car. This means: running the red light and whizzing right in front of my car as I am going 45mph will probably get you killed. Riding your bike on an already narrow sidewalk is ILLEGAL! Get your ass on the street in that biking lane, honestly! As a pedestrian, I have already been relegated to a very very narrow sidewalk that I have to share with throngs of slowly moving, flip-flop wearing, hung-over, I-pod listening undergrads and now you are telling me I have to move for your stupid bike. Also, if you do this, you are exposing yourself to a real possibility that I will push your bike out of my way. And my biggest, biggest reservoir of anger comes gushing out at cyclists who ride their bike on the quad! Are you fucking kidding me? This is especially annoying between classes when you have anywhere between 5-10,000 students moving from one building to another in a space of about 10 minutes. And now you want to rush through the crowd with your bike? These people need to be slapped with a huge fine.

4. Champaign-Urbana's city traffic grid. I swear this city was designed by mentally handicapped urban planners. What in the world would possess someone to make every major and semi-major street the main artery through the city? Since we only have two outlets to the 74 interstate, Prospect, Springfield and Neil are ALWAYS, ALWAYS, swamped with traffic. Green street, that perpetually exhausting jewel of urban planning is always packed with undergrads rushing to their classes in their shiny, loud cars. Seriously, shut down Green street to traffic, make it into a pedestrian/cycling zone. Make several more entries from the highways into the city so that Springfield (outside of my door) does not sound like a highway at every moment of the day. This would also make walking to campus (something I LOVE to do and always do weather permitting) a pleasurable rather than exhausting experience.

5. The temperature in the older buildings at the University. As we historians have been relegated to the older buildings (but beautiful) of the University--Greg Hall, Lincoln Hall until recently, etc--we also experience the emotional rollercoaster that is the temperature inside of these classrooms. If the temperature is let's say a pleasant 60 F, you can be sure that it will be over 80 inside of Greg Hall classrooms. If, on the other hand, the temperature is the steaming, disgustingly swampy 99 F, it will be around 30 F in the buildings. I mean, whatta fuck is so hard about controlling the temperature? The library is the biggest example of this. We have one of the best libraries in the world and the poor staff there has to work with a big fan over their heads at the height of winter and heaters at the height of summers. How about the university takes some of that money from science and engineering departments and from athletic dept, and rips down those old pipes and makes these buildings more energy efficient? Every time I go to the library with an intent to work, I find myself walking out in anger my day having been ruined and also feeling sorry for the poor library staff who have to work there in the blistering heat and yet are not allowed to work in nude.

6. Neil Street. This street completely wears me out. Neil Street, for those of you not from Champaign, is one of the main North-South arteries in the city and a small portion of it, going through downtown, is really pleasant as it is surrounded by nice pubs, restaurants and cafes. However, the Northern part is exhausting to drive through. You pass by this giant factory on your left, which I assume is the Kraft factory, that produces this horrible acidic, metal tasting smell and makes you wonder: "Am I going to get leukemia if I spend too much time in this place?" Honestly, can you move that thing out to the outskirts of the city? There are people living here for Christ's sake!

7. The local weatherman Ed Giezer. Now, Ed and I have a love-hate thing going. As I wake up to the sounds of NPR'S Morning Edition, I actually look forward to Ed's forecast, which to be fair has been accurate most of the time. Thanks, Ed. But, can you please stop telling me what the temperature in Champaign was in 1913. Yes, I am a historian, but also if I am listening to you that means I am probably already 10 minutes late to my class, so if you could get to what the temperature will be today? I often find myself standing butt naked in my room with different kinds of clothes on my bed, waiting for ED to give me the forecast. Also, please cut the banter with our local announcer of Morning Edition (whose voices crawls under my skin), and stop laughing when you are announcing the next cold wave. It is annoying enough to have to walk out those mornings, but it becomes even more annoying if someone's laughing at you while you are doing it. But, keep up the good job Ed. Don't mean to knock on the man.

8. The local NPR programing. While I was living in Louisville I fell in love with Louisville's NPR station: morning NPR, followed by Fresh Air (a wonderful show), Tavis Smiley (so-so, but provocative with interesting guests), then my favorite the Talk of the Nation, followed by All Things Considered, the World, recap of Jim Lehrer's evening news, and then finally BBC programming. Louisville's 89.3 NPR is also the first thing that greets me as I drive over the Kennedy bridge into Downtown. To be fair, our local 580 AM NPR station does have Morning Edition, the World, All Things Considered and BBC programming (without which I cannot fall asleep, I know, I know, I need help). But whatta hell is with the 10am David Inch show that talks about insects, home improvement and other completely inappropriate things for Monday mornings! Monday mornings have to be about politics, period! On Mondays I had already been deprived of MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann for two days (during MSNBC's prison obsession), so I need my political fix without having to turn on my laptop, go to the sites, dress, etc. And farmer's report. I have an immense respect for farmers whose lives are not easy, they work hard and often get very little in return. The local NPR station is as much as theirs as it is mine. But, honestly, do we need to have farmer's report--which always includes how hogs are doing on Chicago trade--at 2pm, taking the spot of The Talk of the Nation!? And David Inch really ought to get more current with his show (he is a smart man but the content of his show is like the content of Budlight, not much to taste unless you like the taste of piss).

9.Prices at Schnucks. I know, I know, I should shop at Meyer, which I do, but have to say that meat at Schnucks is so much better, their wine selection is almost always superior and on sale (just yesterday I got me some delicious Old Bycyclette wine for $7 and the bottle had been $20). Their vegetables can be hit or miss but they always have an organic section (on sale), and it is closer to my house. And, I get my gas points saving me about $10 per month. Having said that, however, the Schnucks' management randomly increases prices by such margin that in a week your grocery bill increases by like 15%. Isn't this illegal? I mean you can't just increase the price of my spinach pie dough from $3.89 to $4.89 in a day! And you can't charge $6.00 for a small box of blueberries. That's just wrong.

10. The depth of my bathtub. I love taking baths with a nice glass of wine, some candles, smooth jazz, and a nice book. And yes, I am straight. But, I have discovered that the shallowness of my bathtub just destroys the enjoyment. By the time I fill it up with water, and I lie my fat ass down in there, there is almost no room left for my snuggly bubbles which is the whole of the bath. So, I guess I will have to wait to have a bigger place with a huge bathtub.

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