What Jonathan Krohn means for the Republican Party

There is one silver (or golden I should say) lining to the economic meltdown: it has ripped through the Republican party like a tornado, leaving Republican ideologues sitting in the shell of their former home on the only piece of furniture that has survived the storm, lamenting their faith. And this is where Jonathan Krohn comes in. He is seen as the new voice of the Republican party. Someone with fresh ideas and a natural charisma that can counter the overwhelming juggernaut that is Obama's now historic personality. Even the populist spokesman for the Republican Party "Joe the Plumber" was giddy after he had a chance to shake the savior's hand at CPAC, the annual Conservative gathering in D.C. It was at the CPAC that Jonathan vowed the Republican activists with a rousing speech re-affirming the conservative principles of the GOP reassuring them that Obama's victory was short-lived and that once again, the party would find itself back in the golden years of Ronald Reagan. The messiah of the Conservative radio Bill Bennett, and Reagan's former foot soldier, has since accepted daily calls from Jonathan into his radio show giving him a daily soap box from which he could deliver the agenda which would save the Republicans from a complete annihilation in 2010. So, should the Democrats be worried? Is a Republican comeback behind the corner? Not so much.

It turns out that Jonathan Krohn is 14 years old! When he is not being scolded by his suburban, van-driving mother (this is true--I mean you can't make this stuff up!), the 14 year old Jonathan wakes up every morning at 6am to the tune of Bill Bennett's soothing voice reassured that he lives in America. He wants the Republican Party to hold tightly onto its conservative roots: low taxes (or no taxes at all), small government, and.....low taxes. Oh, I forgot one more Republican credo: low taxes. When he is not writing his homework Jonathan is in the back of his mother's van talking to conservative radio hosts throughout the country while his mother scolds him not to be too abrasive. He even appeared on Fox and Friends, the daily morning antidote to pretentious liberal intellectual snobbery. His electrifying speech at CPAC brought, dare we say, HOPE, to the Republicans that "Yes they Can" prevent their country from being taken down the path of socialism. And Jonathan Krohn would play an integral role in this resurgence.

My giddiness at the implosion within the Republican Party is tempered by the fact that I do wish that we had a healthy opposition party, an essential ingredient in every democracy. I am afraid that with the GOP forever in exile, the Dems in Congress might get too cocky and Obama might lose the self-reflectedness that is one of his most appealing characteristics. The fact is, we need the Republicans.

My giddiness truly dissipates when I look at our economic situation: 4.4 million jobs lost since September with the monthly rate of 600,000 jobs gone (most of these are not coming back). The most pessimistic unemployment projection of 8% for the entire year has been already surpassed (it's 8.1% now) and we are only in March! The GM will almost certainly file for bankruptcy and Chapter 11 would be good news since the other kind of bankruptcy--Chapter 7--would mean liquidation (i.e. probably additional million jobs lost in a matter of days!) What is particularly worrying is that the banking system is not only NOT getting better, but it on the precipice of a complete meltdown which would make the Great Depression look like the economic boom of the Clinton years. The insurance giant AIG is begging for billions more of that TARP money in preventing its collapse which would almost certainly wipe out the pension plans of millions of Americans. In short, we are in deep, deep trouble. Economists from all sides of the political spectrum, Paul Krugman as well as the US Chamber of Commerce, believe that Obama's stimulus plan, get this, was not big enough. The stimulus' honest promise that it would create 3.5-4 million new jobs is being drowned by these numbers and panicked Americans who are literally seeing their life savings wiped out overnight as DOW plunges to the low 6000s (we were hoping 9000s would be the bottom!)

In response to the crisis Obama has assembled the country's leading economists, passed an ambitious stimulus plan, an intelligent housing program to reverse foreclosures, and is preparing to roll out a plan that would save the banking system. Britain is leading Europe's intervention as its Prime Minister Gordon Brown puts his economics' PhD to work.

And what are the Republicans doing? I mean, besides getting their daily orgasm through Rush Limbaugh (sorry for the mental picture). They are trying to loosen up gun laws in D.C.! Yes, you read it correctly. Backed by the NRA gangsters, the Republicans in both, the Senate and the House have added an amendment to the Voting Rights Bill that would give House Representatives to the District of Columbia. The price of Republicans' support: stripping any remaining gun control legislation from the Districts' laws blatantly thumbing their nose at the District's horrendous homicide rate (134% of the nation's). The bill is stalled in the House but this does not excuse the Democrats in the Senate who voted for this awful bill fearful of the NRA gangsters. The remaining gun laws in D.C. are still the strictest in the nation despite the awful Supreme Court decision in 2008 (District of Columbia vs. Heller) which declared unconstitutional the District's 1976 law which outlawed all handguns.

Maybe we can call Jonathan Krohn for advice? He might be busy these days so you might want to leave a message with his secretary, um, I mean his mother.